Friday, September 03, 2004
Why do I still love you? What should I do now?
Haiz. I very sian leh. Today is my first prelim day. Zzz. When I go school today, many of my friends greeted me a 'Eh I saw Terence leaving with F on Tuesday leh'. Zzz. I know, I know. (._.) I really think that I'm only a replacement for her. But he said I'm not. Should I trust my own feelings or by his words leh? What should I do now? Many said that he's those who wun patch de. But he patched with R after 1/2 year? Haha. I've got mixed feelings now lor. When studying, I'll think of him. Halfway through the chapters in my storybook, I got drifted away.. Why am I so stupid and silly? Is this good cuz I'm devoted? Or is this stupid that I still love someone who dun love me anymore? Which category do I fall in? If he still likes her as much, then I guess I'll let him go ba. But it is provided if she really loves him as much as I do, treat him well and never make him angry. Never try going out with some other guys that is. He's faithful and zhuan yi, he suits someone who is as devoted as he is. Actually, I'm alright if he left with his ex gang on Tuesday. What makes me upset and disappointed is that he actually went out with her after that. What is he thinking, may I know. If he still loves her as much, why stead with me? If he dun think that we'll last long, why plan so far? If he dun love me, why say 'I Love You'? In the beginning, I dun believe about him loving me. He grabbed me and say those words and swore that it's true. Budden, I believed him. He told me to put my every heart and hope on him. Yes, I did. And now this. Haha. Everything started fast and end fast? My ex all is I break de. I've never felt so miserable after breaking lor. Really din. All the nice and loving messages from him, I wrote it all down in my book. I duwan to throw nor do I want to take out and read. He said many a times that only if I do grave things, he'll leave me. Or not, he dun see what will make him leave. Haha. Then I asked him, what grave things does he mean.. He said loving another guy and etc. Well, I din. Yes, we argued. He din give in to me either. Despite all these arguing, I dun hate him at all. And I treat him just as good. Sad to say, he din. The more I treat him good, the more he find me dunoe-what. Then what should I do? Guys ask me out to play bball. I din go with them. I stuck myself unto him and my eyes only see him. My heart beats with every thought of him. Does he know? Does he care? Does he love me? I dunoe leh. I really dont. Just now after my SS paper, I slept on the table after thinking about me, him and her. I feel like crying but no tears flow. I rather if I cry, at least I'll feel better. But cuz I dun always cry, tears only flow when I'm heartbroken? Dunoe leh. Haha. Mrs Wong woke me up a few times. But I just duwan to wake up. I still think and dream. Dream about what, I dunoe.. He said to be friends, but why arent we talking like casual friends!? .. How I wish he could read all the things I blogged. He told me that I'm not a replacement and I told him 'it all doesnt matter to me anymore'. I spoke out of my mind. I din want to let him explain as I'm afraid to be hurt again. I really am feeling very miserable. Really, really. I love him a lot.. It's hard to get someone replace him. He's a great boyfriend to me, though he admits that he dun treat me too good. All I need is a much more caring and talented and fit and good in everything de. If he really want to find back the love, it would be Hers he would be finding, would he?...