Monday, August 30, 2004
I Love You Still
Should be playing basketball now. But woke up late. If I go now, there's sure to be a lot of guys on court. So better not ba. Haiz. I sit in front of the computer and stare at it blankly, listening to songs that he sent to me, some of his favorites. I wanted to tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him, but I cant. He wouldnt want to listen to me at all. We said to be friends, but when I see him, I feel weird. I got the urge to rush to him and hug him tightly, asking him not to leave me anymore. But once again, I cant. I really cant. He said that we cannot go back to what we are (lovers). The fact is that we argued for weeks' nights. I started the first night's arguing =X. And dunoe why, we keep dragging that arguing for weeks. We feel sianed at night, when talking to each other, cuz sure will argue de. Argued 6/10 days. Zzz, our words like a bit too strong le ba. I suggested to talk on phone instead, cuz my usage of Eng is strong. Unpleasant sometimes and he'll buey song and then go pekchek. He din say anything about talking on phone. Ohh God. Though I'm sianed of him, I still love him as much. He's a great boyfriend, really. Caring and all, until now he's still the perfect one for me. But he minds about for his ego. Haha, this is what made him. Sometimes hate it when he pulls out his ego thing out. The love that I had for him, covered that 'sianed' feeling. Sad to say, he dun love me as much. Really, I love him a lot more than he do to me. He's my true first love. And I miss him dearly. I asked him to stay and to give our love one more chance. But he just left me there crying under the rain. I know I'm at fault too.. Making him look like a sadist in the public =X I siam when he wanted to touch my face. Haiz, but he dunoe one thing leh. I told him that I've got pimples then I duwan him to touch it. Haiz.. Then now when I overcome that freaking back when he want to touch my face, but he say I hit his limit le. Another is cuz I've got no much confidence about my looks and very paiseh esp in his house =X. I really changed le and asked him to see what's the new me. But he say no more chance. When I see him, all that I could do is to act strong. Putting a brave front when I'm actually feeling the outmost saddness and weak inside, it's hard and miserable. Loneliness up ahead, and emptiness behind. Tell me, where should I go!? Where! I guess I'm already out of his heart. Haha, but he's still inside me, living. Budden. One sided love ba? I thought we could be together until the end of time.. We planned future together and had fun about it. Really. I Love Him leh. But does he know? No. He dun even care a single damn about me now. The position he had in my heart is very difficult to be replaced; and the memories we had can never be erased. I remembered the 6 May 2004. We spend the night and morning outside my door.. Nice night. Very very romantic. Then he went home at around 4+am, after seeing me enter my house safely then left. At that moment, I really love him le. He spent $22 to my house! =S Haiz, sad to say.. Our love were measured by those bad nights and limited chances. For weeks, we argued and he came down with a conclusion that our characters dun match. I dun think so lor. We had the same thoughts, same planning for future and all. We had very strong chemistry, got A1 ah! That night, I wasnt feeling too good after failing my Maths, then I show him attitude. That's the first night we started it. Then that arguing thing got dragged, he yi ya huan ya then I also got limit de mah. Haiz, I love him de leh. He know mah? I hope he do, but dun think so? I told him about the keyboard thingy. But din have the chance to ask him look at the T and the M, in between is H. That H means hen-ai. Down the THM, Terence henai Mingli? Up the line, Mingli henai Terence. He wun be able to see this ba. He has forgotten me and our memories le? And wun be so boliao to come to my blog and read what I say.. Every moment now, you are still in my heart. I Love You, TL.